5 tips on how to be a top tour guide in San Francisco…

Over the past month, I’ve had five friends come visit me here at SFSU. That means that I’ve had to do a lot of travelling around the city to give my guests the best experience I could possibly afford. I’m telling you now; it’s not easy. San Francisco has so much going on, you can’t possibly fit it into a long weekend and that is pretty heartbreaking. You also have to try and budget the whole thing in very expensive city, so that limits your choices even more. It’s stressful, it’s tiring, and quite frankly I have a lot less money now than I did four weeks ago.

However, the single most redeeming quality of this entire experience is the look on your friends’ faces when they get to see just how special San Francisco is. Here are my recommendations for anyone who’s about to embark on their tour guiding endeavors:

1)   Accept that you will never be able to show your guests everything.

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I took Alex to Madame Tussauds, because there’s nothing more culturally significant than a waxwork of ET.

San Francisco is so diverse and so rich in culture; you will never ever be able to show all of it. You’ve got to pick the parts that you love the most and then decide whether or not your guests will love them as much as you do. For instance, I’m a literature-lover, so I took my friends to City Lights Bookstore where I full-on geeked out for them. It’s always wise to get a healthy mixture of places and atmospheres, which leads me on to my next point.

2)   Avoid Fisherman’s Wharf/Pier 39 on weekends.

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We named this sealion Roly. He stank.

Arguably Satan’s primary NorCal residence, Fisherman’s Wharf serves up herds of slow-walking families who are dedicated to meandering our finest tourist trap. I get it; Pier 39 and the Wharf give you some great photo opportunities and you can go watch the smelly sealions, but try and limit your time there. And you should definitely avoid it on weekends because it’s just one massive funeral procession of expense and not a whole lot of culture.

3)   Watch sunset from Dolores Park.

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Maryska on the eve of her 21st birthday at the top of Dolores Park.

So after getting wound up by the Bay, make your way back south to Mission and get yourself to Dolores Park in time for sunset. The best part about taking people to Dolores is that they aren’t really expecting the amazing view of the San Francisco skyline. So when you make them hike all the way up from the bottom, then get them to turn around, it’s quite spectacular. And then throw in a few hundred San Franciscans just loving life around you, and I think that’s where you get the true essence of what this city is all about.

4)   Take a stroll through the Castro.

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Becky enjoying her sizeable edible penis from Hot Cookie.

Ahh Castro; the pot of gold at the end of the gay rainbow. Situated under the proud colors of the LGBTTQQIIAA flag (this acronym is so long, it sort of defeats the point of acronyms), Castro has become a hub of liberal joy over the past 50 years or so. As if the rainbow crosswalks weren’t enough, you can take your guests for an appetizing snack at Hot Cookie and appreciate the hilariously witty shop names on both sides of the street. According to a 2013 study, the average monthly rent of a one bedroom apartment in Castro was a whopping $2990, which is either a testament to just how lovely the area is, or how horrifically expensive it is to live here. And as we all know, Castro at nighttime is a lot of fun. (Q-Bar does dollar drinks; what are you waiting for?!)

5)   Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.

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This wasn’t staged, I’m just a really opportunistic photographer.

It seems fitting that the Golden Gate Bridge is my final tip, because it’s just so spectacular. Even though it’s still pretty touristy, it’s an experience you and your friends will never forget. Not only do you get to practice your ‘Beyoncé in a wind tunnel’ strut, you get to trek the full 1.7 mile length of the structure, and look back over the city, with Alcatraz floating almost pleasantly in the waters of the bay. It’s another great photo opportunity; just think about tying your hair up before you do it. And beware of the cyclists on there because they can be pretty ruthless to us poor pedestrians.

I know I’ve missed out so many spots in my tips. I’m gutted that I didn’t get to show my friends to thrift shops on Valencia, and that I didn’t book tickets in time for a trip to Alcatraz or a tour of AT&T Park, but I guess that’s another lesson for you all; be prepared!

 

Forever channeling Beyoncé in windy situations,

Lucie.

Lucie Hudson
luciehudson4@gmail.com
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