14 Nov The boyfriend or girlfriend left behind…

After 2 years studying abroad, I have heard many sad tales regarding students who travel overseas to pursue their dreams, all the while keeping their boyfriend or girlfriend back home. But after so many heartbreaking stories, it’s difficult not to become quite hardened on the issue. Its sometimes difficult to understand how someone can take that brave decision to move to a new country or culture, but not be brave enough to end their relationship at home before they do. I’ve heard almost every story you could imagine, including some very happy endings involving engagements, marriages, children and so on– but far far more often here is how it goes:

You have met that special someone and no amount of distance can break you up. You may have been together for mere months, or many years, but they are the “one” and you will stay together no matter how far away you are, or how long you are gone.

You decide you will stay together even after you depart and you stay close by talking on the phone almost every day, or on skype, or on IM, or on facebook, or maybe even by email and if you’re really old school, by writing actual love letters. You will stay true to them, and think only of them. Sound familiar?

Now as I have observed, here are the scenarios that most often transpire from this point:

-After a month or two apart, cracks start to develop and jealousy runs rampant. They are jealous of you and all of the new people you are meeting… and they should be because you are meeting wonderful new people from around the world and may even be attracted to some of your new friends.

In a merciful case, things devolve very quickly, you break up and after a sad week or two, you go are free to pursue those new people you have been meeting.

If you had planned that they would visit you half way through the experience, you will keep the relationship going, and perhaps delay a break-up until you can do it in person. Sometimes the visit will rekindle those bonds and you will become close again, only to watch them depart and go through the separation anxiety all over again.

Sometimes you can’t resist those new friends and you begin romantic relations with another person (it’s not cheating if you’re in separate countries right?) Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may be honest with them, or you may lie, but you know inside the relationship is over.

Sometimes they can’t resist, and they are cheating on you (hopefully not with your best friend back home!) If they are honest, they tell you and you are sad, but luckily you have a wonderful new network of friends to help you through it, and of course you can now pursue that person you were attracted to, unattached.

In the worst case scenario, they don’t tell you that they are cheating on you, and you are faithful to them the entire time, turning down many people you may have been attracted to because you are morally strong and truly love the person. When you get home, you find out and its over… all the while, your resentment is overwhelming because you denied yourself so much during your study abroad experience and now it was for nothing!

These are just some common examples, the stories get much more complicated and sordid that that. And because this subject is so deep, perhaps I’ll tell some of those most fascinating tales in the future…

But putting aside the pessimism for a minute, let’s say you are both strong, your love is all conquering and you made it through the semester or year. You return home and are reunited as lovers. This does happen with relative frequency. But hold on—the more time you spend with them, the more you realize the experience has changed you. You feel inspired and have a new perspective on things. One of the new perspectives is that your boyfriend or girlfriend was part of the “old” you, and there is a “new” you. They just don’t fit with your new outlook, you grow apart and break up. So once again, you denied yourself one of the best parts of study abroad (exploring new cultures through romantic relationships) and it didn’t work out.

And about 5% of the time, it totally works out and you live happily ever after with the person, but that’s boring…