30 Nov A follow up on overseas love…

I’m glad that my last blog entry (The boyfriend or girlfriend left behind…) has stoked some strong opinions, and as promised, it’s a subject I will often return to—including the situation where couples form overseas.

But I wanted to clarify my thoughts since I didn’t mean to diminish the concept of love, or imply that faithfulness is boring. I was simply speaking about some common scenarios from personal experience and observations on this subject. And because long distance relationships are more and more commonplace, there are many facets to be explored that I couldn’t address in the format of a single blog entry, so I’ll try to address them one at a time.

What I did want to state is that love itself is simply not enough to bridge the time and distance. It takes sacrifice, faith, trust, patience, and an embracement of solitude. In a sense there’s a beauty to making that commitment, a certain romanticism, the pursuit of an ideal and a triumph over hardship—if it works out. But most often it doesn’t, or it doesn’t need to. In part I was writing that blog to myself when I was 24 years old and in the midst of a 4 year long distance relationship. I had all the faith, a passport full of stamps, boxes full of letters, thousands of emails, daily purchases of long-distance phone cards, and dreams of conquering the distance with pure love. I was writing for a couple that I know who have been in a very long relationship, several years of which were long distance. Yes, it appears to have worked out for them, but then again she has never told him that she slept with someone (not me!) the last night before returning home after a year abroad. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to know anyway, but it does change that ideal of trusting pure love.

Perhaps the most powerful lesson is for those that endure the semester or year apart. It’s to understand that an overseas experience changes an individual in unpredictable ways, and often this makes reinitiating a relationship difficult. Humans are prone to resentfulness and jealousy, and it takes an enormous amount of trust and work to make it endure. I would say that this is the true danger of a long-distance relationship—to think that you can simply resume the relationship you had before as the individuals you were before.

There is the ideal, and there is reality, and what I’ve learned over the years is that the long-distance relationships that work best are the ones where the boyfriend or girlfriend left behind lets the person go without any strings attached or guarantees. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. You are free to see other people, you are open with each other, and if you choose to be faithful or not is less important than having the choice. Living in a foreign country for a semester or year as a student is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You will never have the same freedom living overseas that you have as a student—never. Take everything this experience can offer, and if you are in a relationship, consider why you chose to do this, what you want to get out if it. It can be the greatest experience of your life, but remember that the person back home cannot share it with you, or be there with you. You are on your own, leaving your closest loved ones behind, so cherish your freedom, embrace it and make the most it.