17 Oct Maybe Tomorrow

Maybe Tomorrow

Stereophonics

(2003)

So…

I got homesick. I had originally planned after my last entry for my next one to be upbeat, and it’s not like I have a shortage of fun or interesting experiences- there are some things you will only ever see in the Castro district! Apparently, my brain had other ideas though.

To be honest, homesickness is an awful term. It makes it sound like something akin to flu, that it will incapacitate you for a few days but in the end, you’ll get through and be alright. This, at least in my experience, is not how homesickness works. It’s something that creeps up on you, often when you are at your most lonely or vulnerable, and before you know it you’re unconsciously crying in Golden Gate Park. It’s okay, it was sunny and I had sunglasses on.  And the worst part is there is little you can do to ‘cure’ it. Much like rain on a bad day, you simply have to wait for the dark clouds to pass.

Homesickness makes you feel terrible. Today marks my two month anniversary of being in San Francisco, and I’ve been suffering from homesickness on and off for over three weeks now.  Honestly, I thought I was stronger than this. Even as I write that I realise how ridiculous it is of me to look at it in that way, and yet I can’t help it. Perhaps it’s my innate self-loathing that comes from being British. But I really did think I’d last longer.

I’m not typically the most sociable person in the world. I do enjoy my own company in amounts that is probably unhealthy. Despite this though, I do at this point in time feel more lonely than I can ever remember being. I miss my friends, my family, and my home. What I think I miss most is the easy affection that comes with close friendship. When I’m upset or stressed, I can’t ask for a hug from someone I only met a few weeks ago. Yes, I realise this makes me sound incredibly needy and pathetic, but it is the truth. And I did above all promise to be honest on this blog. When you lack a reinforced connection to the people around you it is easy to find yourself becoming disconnected to the world, and that is not a fun place to be at all.

It’s hard to know what to do about it. You can’t just throw yourself into someone’s life and demand that they care about you. Well, you can try but it won’t end well. It could very much just be my own neuroses and anxieties coming to the surface. Maybe, in the midst of midterms, it’s all just got a bit much for my brain. Maybe I just need to sleep a bit more.

Maybe tomorrow it will all be okay. I hope so, I have another two months before I can even think about going home- and I do want to post a happy post on this blog before then.

EMP

I’ve been down and
I’m wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I’d rather be high
Think I’ll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They’re all free

So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home